About Me:

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This is me. At 19. A high school drop out. Working at Taco Time. Just under five months pregnant. Single. Completely & painfully unaware. I wanted.. no- I needed, for life to be all about first loves, best friends, new babies, and happy bubbles. I believed that any day now my Prince Charming would swoop in on his white horse, smile lovingly down at me,  scoop me up in his arms and carry me off into our own happily ever after. That. Never. Happened!

My Prince Charmings, well they were fueled by goblets filled to the brim with alcohol. The feasts laid out for them were Cocaine, Barbiturates, Methamphetamine, and Heroine. They controlled their kingdom with threats of harm- a black eye, a broken bone, a slit throat, a shattered skull, a child I would never see again. They used torture tactics to degrade and humiliate into submission- taking money, credit cards, identification, car keys and important relationships, most times while sitting on my chest. They ruled their kingdom with an iron fist- or a hand gun, a 12 inch Bowie knife, two well placed hands around my throat. They declared promises of sudden death, once to the point of hospitalization. And they had mistresses. Many mistresses. All this while professing their undying love and devotion- to me. 

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Maybe you find yourself in my story. Maybe you are still caught in chapter seven of twenty-two, still believing your Prince Charming can change. That you still have time to ride off into the sunset and have your happily ever after. Maybe you do... and maybe you will. But do you really want your happily ever after to be spent wondering if tonight is the night your prince is going to explode in another violent rage? Where he will accuse you of sleeping around, blowing 'his' money while he is off working himself to the bone to support you, or yet another night he puts you down saying all that you do is sit on your ass becoming more fat and disgusting than he signed on for? Or, just maybe, you want your happily ever after to be spent in a cold casket leaving your sweet children and loved ones behind?! Oh, I know. I know. That would never happen to you. I didn't think it would happen to me either. 

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Life is not easy. It is filled with bad days. Broken dreams. Dead relationships. Domestic violence. Miscarriage. Sexual assault. Addiction. Single parenting. Divorce. Mental illness. Chronic illness. Grief. But life is also filled with good days. Dreams that do come true. Restored relationships. Freedom from domestic violence. Healing from miscarriage. Recovery from sexual assault. Overcoming of addiction. Joys of being a single parent. Rising from the ashes of divorce. Understanding & acceptance of both chronic & mental illness. And learning to embrace the cycles of grief. No two people walk out of the valley the same. And thank God for that! 

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I may have reached the Big 5-0 still single. Twice divorced. Without a life plan or a fat retirement account. I deal with chronic pain on a daily basis. I sometimes have more bad days than good. And let's face it, I spend a lot of nights battling loneliness. But I really do try to spend more energy focusing on the things and people in my life that bring a smile to my lips, that put a song in my heart, and that add a little jig to my step. I have my grown children, family members that love me, friends that have become some of my favorite humans, and my Sillies- my sweet grand daughters. I love an early morning sunrise, a blank page in my journal, a song that makes my bootie shake, a rich piece of dark chocolate, the smell of daffodils, and the spirit of Christmas. Sometimes the list is endless. I have spent so many years just trying to survive- trying to outrun the demons of my past, that I haven't grabbed on with both hands to embrace & enjoy the life I have right now. Isn't it about time we stop running? Stop trying to give the world only what it wants to see? Isn't there a part of you, even if it got buried deep down inside, that wants to shed the bullsh*t? To come clean. To be honest. To just tell it like it is- no matter how crazy or f*cked up? You, my friend, have come to the right place! This is where we feel the reals. Where we open the vault of emotion. Where we feel our feelings, deal with our disappointments, get up off of the floor and step into real life again. Together!

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